20 Healthcare Questions

Remember the old game ‘20 Questions,’ a.k.a. a form of Truth or Dare? Q: How much more interesting would this game be if the questions were fundamentally UNanswerable? A: Infinitely. Let’s spice it up, shall we?

Why do I need ID to get ID?” (an insightful Mos Def in an old school classic)

What would we do without Wikipedia? (Just walk around not knowing Cher's real name or why Boyz-II-Men went from 4 to 3 I guess...)

Why is a barely-legal Disney channel crooner the center of a phenomenon known mainly (and disturbingly) to middle aged women as ‘Bieber fever’?”

“Can Americans afford to get sick?”

This last one is, of course, the only one that has been getting much attention in recent news (though Entertainment blogs have been having a field day with Jesse James and his alleged mistress -which begs the age-old question: "Why do men cheat?" A blog for another day, ladies). On Tuesday, President Obama used over 20 different fountain pens to sign the bill, after receiving a hearty handshake and a not-completely-unexpected expletive from Biden (hilariously audible clip of this also available on CNN.com) before announcing the passing of this historic overhaul of the American national healthcare system.

People groups affected include tanning salon owners, who will be forced to charge their customers an extra 10 percent nationwide. This tax is projected to bring in at least 2.7 billion over the next decade, which will help to fund the bill and increase coverage for more Americans. On the bright side, maybe certain B-list celebrities will think twice before going out in public looking like an Oompa–Loompa (*cough-cough* Lindsay Lohan)

While tanning salons are significantly cheaper than a tropical vacation three times a year (and yes, that exact statement was issued in all laughable seriousness by various tantrum-throwing tanning salon patrons who were interviewed by CNN Money), one cannot ignore yet another underlying question behind the “outrage” of tanning salon owners: In light of the current economy, what are the moral and ethical implications of capitalizing on a select market of consumers who purchase artificial UV rays while sober?

After Al Gore's diminishing-polar-bear-habitat hoopla, can Americans still justify the 'convenient' use of a rapidly dwindling energy and electricity supply for the purely aesthetic adjustment in skin tone? And those of you who “need Vitamin D” might be off the hook for now, but don’t think I’m not thinking what I know the rest of y’all are thinking: “Dude, can’t you take a pill for that?”

In a war-torn economy, Americans used to simply tighten their belts, maintain stiff upper lips, and send their ladies out in red bandanas to darken their lungs inside metal factories. In England, they “remained calm and carried on” (but then again, they have universal healthcare over there so remaining calm might actually be a viable option). Nowadays “tanning salon outrage” makes front page news. Granted, even tanning salon owners gotta eat so what can you really say? Except that Socialist accusations have reached an all time high for Obama, and comments following news articles and updates on healthcare are getting vicious.

Maybe the real question for Americans should be how to skirt the ever-complicating system and still maintain a functional level of health. Or a less solemn humdinger: how many minutes can you talk to someone this week without mentioning the word 'healthcare'? Ready... set.... go!

Pinch Me I Must Be Drinking

Guinness-loving Norcalians can relax tonight. Berkeley, Oakland, Alameda and San Francisco are all offering free cab and tow service for inebriated St. Patty's Day revelers. The group of injury lawyers who are sponsoring this service aren't the only ones battling belligerent behavior tonight. Triple A of Northern California is calling their tri-state lawsuit-preventer (California, Nevada and Utah) "Tipsy Tow".

Does anyone else wonder what it is about this garishly green holiday that justifies the lack of inhibitions? While March does mark the onset of Spring (hence the color of choice), the holiday is not without its ironies. The most obvious one being that it actually started off as a sacred homage to one of Ireland's patron saints - some refer to St. Patrick as the Martin Luther of Ireland, the country's own St. Paul. (Also ironic is that one of St. Paddy's Day monikers most obviously puns on quite possibly THE most anti-American band to date - maybe one of the only American traditions Greenday wouldn't write pissed off lyrics about. But I digress...) Hardly the makings of a lime-flavored jello shot showdown, to be sure. What started off as a day where Lent practices (fasting of vices) were temporarily suspended has now turned into an all-out bar hopping, drink downing Mardi Gras minus the purple and gold.

At least drunkenness is in the vein of commonly accepted celebratory practices though. I mean, what's up with the creepy looking Lucky Charms leprechauns looming over the supermarket aisles and freaking me out before I finish walking through the automatic sliding doors at Target? And the pinching complete strangers for not donning the color green? Who made that up? Someone who obviously didn't get pinched as a child.

Irish history is fabulous, don't get me wrong. And another reason to drink? I haven't met a single person yet who would say no to that. But if you see me in the corner looking suspiciously over my shoulder and shielding my arms from you, don't say I didn't warn you. Take my advice: hoard your cases of beer and look up Irish facts in the privacy of your own home, or learn how to make your own green-tinged cocktails!

And to the rest of you Irish and non-Irish folk, bottoms up! And remember to call Triple A after your last round of 'Danny Boy.'

Attention Students: This is Not a Drill

Remember those duck and cover drills in elementary school? Admit it: you used to live for those moments when you could stop copying down Social Studies terms, or showing your work on those pesky long division problems, or whatever else those teachers with mediocre training would get you to do while you’re stuck indoors during the best hours of the day.

The fire drill bell goes off at an ear-shatteringly loud decibel, and students all over the school giggle to each other and eagerly drop their pencils to huddle underneath their desks. Yup, you know the drill. It occurred to me that most Californian students would probably wonder to themselves what it would really be like to live with the constant and very real threat of an earthquake. I mean, we have the San Andreas fault and all, but since the big San Francisco quake in 1906, there hasn't been anything close to what's been going on in the Southern hemisphere as we speak.

As the entire world stands in the wake of two devastating quakes, there really isn’t much laughter to be had. The ‘earthquake lady’, as Dr. Kate Hutton has been dubbed by the masses, has received more and more face time since the recent earthquakes in Haiti and Chile have caused massive panic in all hemispheres. Even as neighboring countries rush to provide aid and relief, they also have become more concerned with how to be prepared for potential earthquakes in the future.

Rehearsal that does not precede a real show is no rehearsal at all. For without the looming reality of the final performance, what real motivation can a rehearsal sustain in its actors? But if the recent two quakes have shown us anything, it’s that all those drills might not have been a complete waste of time, as many elementary school procedures often are. Check out these tips on how to be prepared in case of an earthquake from an exclusive interview with the Earthquake Lady herself and how to support the victims of the recent quakes.

Cheating? There's an App for That.

Remember when being called 'tiger' was a good thing? Like when someone calls you 'champ', or 'sport' or any other variation of those peculiarly American appellations fathers call their sons while slapping them on the shoulder and throwing around the old pigskin.


Yeah, those were the good ol' days. Fast forward to the world of perpetual internet access, where privacy is a lost cause and paper trails have now gone digital. The word 'tiger' conjures up all sorts of inappropriate things (it ain’t just the animals on four legs that pop up on Google image search now), including a certain record-breaking golfer who left the world's most unfortunate digital and audio trail of infidelity in his very public fall from grace. But it turns out that the brands and companies which dropped their endorsement deals with Tiger aren't the only ones capitalizing on his marital failures.


Yes, the infamous App creator strikes again. In case you weren't familar with this new breed of entrepreneur, h/she is the consummate multi-tasker: with one hand on the pulse of pop culture, the other hand has a firm grip on the latest iphone. Throw in the programming know-how and voila! New apps appear faster than you can say spot the nearest Apple store.


This time around, it seems as though one of these brilliant minds thought, "If only there were a way to protect those careless misogynists from getting caught in their tracks!" Yes the tiger puns really won't stop. And this time, we have paw tracks to add insult to injury. Introducing Tigertext: Cover your Tracks. You know an App has traction when it makes you say, "Damn, why didn't I think of that?" No, literally TRACtion: after it deletes your text message, it leaves a graphic of animal paw tracks in the text box. Cute in a kind of shady, vile sort of way isn't it?


You can even customize the amount of time your text remains intact- from 'delete on read' to a shelf-life of up to a month. So for the cheaters playing it safe, all remnants of the deed are erased immediately. But for those who prefer to flirt with both mistresses AND danger, you can toy with this option and really get your adrenaline going. It’s an equal opportunity enabler, this app. Now if only someone could get the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme song to play while the app runs.